they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
