Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
