sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
