I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
