I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The uberlube is also flammable
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
