he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You're like the curious george of whores
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
