How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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