A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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