i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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