I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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