Four minutes until I can fart!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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