It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
