if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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