You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I will be naked everywhere
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
