I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
