I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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