even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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