sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize