I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
