if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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