woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
