I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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