Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
