I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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