he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
