My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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