I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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