When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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