I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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