Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
