Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
