Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
