Have you finally orgasmed yet?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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