im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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