you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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