Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
