I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk is not a location!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
