Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
sarcasm needs its own font
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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