holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
