i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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