I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
