You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I touched a dick in church today
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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