There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
