You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
