I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
