oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
