Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
