my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
