you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
