so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
