On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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