If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
