last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize