Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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