I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
