This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
