I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
