did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
