call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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