we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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