Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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