This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
