Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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