i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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