i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
