Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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