I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
