hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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