Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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